The Elephant Path

One of our readers wrote a great article that fits nicely here. This article was written by: Richard M. Haney, M.Ed., Ph.D. (Counselling and Mediation) Richard has been practising Wholistic Counselling, Coaching, Hypnotherapy and Mediation for the past 25 years in Ottawa.
"Two years ago, I had the good fortune to participate in a wonderful experiential hypnotherapy training seminar on Cape Cod, sponsored by the Harvard University Medical School. The focus of the seminar was the integration of Eastern meditation traditions with self-hypnosis and visualization practices from Western psychotherapy traditions. The Harvard Professor of Psychology who led this seminar has collaborated and traveled extensively with The Dalai Lama. The seminar was very valuable because this topic is on the very cusp of where East meets West.

One very powerful part of the seminar was the exploration of the concept of "negativity" which seems to preoccupy so many people in the West. When The Dalai Lama was asked to explain how Buddhists deal with "negativity", he went off for a few hours with two other Buddhist monks to consider the question. When he returned, he said that they do not have a word for "negativity" because they do not have this CONCEPT in their tradition. This is profound! The principle they operate on is duality and duality precludes the projections of "negativity" and "positivity". Basically, there is no need for "positive" and "negative". They become an arbitrary and unnecessary burden on one's psyche.
           
The general theme of my whole counselling and hypnotherapy practice is, "What you project is what you get." One's Self and one's thoughts are two distinguishable entities or energy fields. We can choose whether we let ourselves be defined by our thoughts. We can also choose to monitor our thoughts and pick and choose which ones work for us and which ones do not. We can also choose to move into a supra-conscious state wherein we can modulate our Self and our thoughts. In my view, Descartes was only partially correct in maintaining that we are a "thinking animal". He didn't go far enough. We also have a capacity that other animals do not have, which is self-consciousness and the mutation called "instinctual choice". Other animals do not have conscious choice; they have only simple instinct.

When we open up our capacity to choose to move into the supra-conscious state, we experience the sweet nectar of life. Meditation is a wonderful way to access this state. However, the challenge then becomes one of developing the "staying power" to maintain this blissful state. Awakening is the state of STAYING FULLY AWARE that you are fully conscious "all the time". Ken Wilber challenges all of us with this incredible question, "Since we are fully conscious all the time, why do we seemingly "lose" our awareness of this?"
           
The Buddhists have many powerful and valuable sacred principles, such as, non-attachment, beginner's mind and the razor's edge. The Indo-Tibetan Buddhist principle that I learned in this seminar and that seemingly answers Ken Wilber's question is called "The Elephant Path". This is the path that eventually leads to staying in the fully awakening state virtually "all the time". "Staying" is the operative word because it is literally impossible for a "part animal" to "stay" in this state. Siddhartha Gautama, The Buddha, would probably say to Ken Wilber, and all others: "Catch yourself as soon as possible when you fall out of awareness, and choose to go back into Awakening." The Elephant Path moves slowly onward, like an elephant, and there are nasty, vicious monkeys at every turn on the way to the next highest state. I believe that we can muster the courage to face all of our fears and obstacles.
I truly wish and hope that you experience this wonderful state of Awakening before you leave this life! Namaste............"
           
Thank you Richard for this thought-provoking article. To contact Richard please call (613) 234-5678 or send an e-mail to: richard@ottawacounselling.com

 ACTION STEPS

"Catch yourself as soon as possible when you fall out of awareness, and choose to go back into Awakening."  And have the courage to face your fears and create what you want.

Until next time, be good to yourself! YOU are your greatest asset!!!
           
          
Norma Reid, Life Coach and Trainer
If you know of someone going through a transition who might benefit from this, please pass it forward.

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Here we are, the equinox has occurred, summer is officially over and the days are getting shorter. I haven't yet put away my summer clothes, still hoping for some more of those hot summery days.
I was reflecting on all that has happened in 3 months- starting a new chapter in my life, moving, time spent with friends, new beginnings, some endings. There have been many beautiful memories this summer, including spending a few days with my oldest son, daughter-in-law and three gorgeous grandkids.

One day we went to the fairgrounds and spent the day going on rides. One thing I have learned on this journey of life is there are ups and downs, just like the rides. When life is on the upswing, all is well and I am filled with joy and gratitude, all things are possible. Then, like the roller coaster, sometimes when I start on the downswing I am filled with exhilaration and anticipation, and other times I am filled with fear; for whatever reason, real or imagined, I am triggered and my mind goes into panic. My primitive brain wants to protect me, and I am caught in that awful cycle.
On a roller coaster you can't stop at that point, you have to feel the fear and go right through it. Yet in life we sometimes let that fear stop us, and don't get to enjoy the exhilaration at the end, the satisfaction of having completed it. It is all part of this journey.
This past week has brought some downhill fears, created by my thoughts. Thoughts like, 'what will happen to me financially, will I end up a bag lady? Can I really get my business up and running again?' Along with those thoughts come feelings of loneliness, fear and worry. I know that is old conditioned thinking, my brain returning to old neural pathways.
            
What helps me is to stop and focus on my breath for a minute or two.

 I practice a mindfulness technique STOP- I Stop and Take a few breaths, focusing on my breath, breathing in peace and breathing out stress, breathing in peace, breathing out stress, breathing in peace, breathing out love, and continuing on for about a minute or so; then I Observe what is going around inside and outside of me- what I am thinking, what I am feeling, the sounds I hear, what I smell, what I see, then I Proceed- ask myself what is the most important thing for me to do next. And do it.

 If that doesn't work and the questions still persist, I take each of the questions and ask myself if it is true right now? So for instance, with 'what will happen to me financially, will I end up a bag lady?'- it helps to know that is a fear many women have (thanks Sarah ban Breathnach in her book "Peace and Plenty"). I know I am financially okay (and always have been- something always unfolds for my highest good) and it calms me down.
And if that doesn't work, I do something I enjoy. You may want to write a list of those things that bring you joy (I call them touchstones)- such as listening to music, singing, walking, talking to a loved one, a bubble bath- and then when you need to change your mental state, pick one and do it! At one point a few years ago I bought some bright butterfly stickies and put a touchstone on each of them and posted them on walls, on mirrors, all throughout the house, so when I felt blue, I would read one and go do it and raise myself up a bit on the emotional scale.
           
(And sometimes we need a little help from a technique like EFT or Sedona Method or someone else, such as a counselor or body worker). It is really about staying grounded in the present, not letting the past or the future get in the way, and taking one step at a time.

Action Steps

Notice your thoughts and next time they are taking you on a downhill ride, choose to do it differently. You could ride it through, not letting the thought or feeling stop you, or you could really embrace it then let it go, or STOP and do a mindfulness technique- or do a state change by doing something you enjoy- or choose to put your hands up in the air and enjoy the ride- or remember our thoughts are just thoughts, we don't need to buy into them.

I would love to hear of the techniques you use!

Until next time, be good to yourself! YOU are your greatest asset!!!
           
Norma Reid, Life Coach and Trainer
           
If you know of someone going through a transition who might benefit from this, please pass it forward.

Persistence, Dreams and Team

Welcome once again!!! And thank you to those of you who responded to my last article- one person shared with me her journey of recovery from a toxic parent, and another generous soul offered some of his great writings to share. I am very moved by the generosity of each of you, and will share your stories at a later date, thank you; you both truly are heroes!!!
       
I say heroes because they both have been through the Hero's Journey- through the struggles, pain, heartache- the Valley of Death- and learned and gone on to share their light with others.
       
Today I want to talk about another Hero's Journey. I don't know if you heard the story of Diana Nyad- the 64 year old woman who successfully swam from Cuba to Florida on Sept 2 without a shark cage. This was her 5th attempt- the first was in 1978. She was the first woman to do this.

 After her 53 hour swim she said, "I have three messages.

• One is we should never, ever give up.
• Two is you never are too old to chase your dreams.
• Three is it looks like a solitary sport but it takes a team".

You can read the whole article at the link below- an interesting story of a woman who wouldn't let huge obstacles stop her and in the end succeeded. Even her best friend of 35 years had encouraged her not to try again after failing last year- and she still continued.
           
I found it incredibly encouraging- a great reminder we are never too old to go for our dreams. I feel more hopeful for my future, that's it's not too late for the dreams I have to come to fruition.
For me, setting a goal isn't about the prize at the end, it is the journey- the learning we receive on our way there. It gives us a direction, a purpose, a focus. For Diane, it was her sole purpose to complete that swim. These days, when I find myself getting distracted easily, it makes life a whole lot easier to set daily goals for myself- it gives me a purpose and direction to go in- and something to celebrate at the end of the day.

What made it successful for her this time (besides the good weather and absence of sharks) was the people she had supporting her- the shark swimmers, the special equipment, people who made her journey easier by supporting her with their expertise. It is so much easier when we have others supporting us along our journey. I feel truly blessed for the support I've had along mine.

New York Times Article Sept 2, 2013

 

Have you put away a dream because you told yourself you were too old or it was too late or you failed so many times before there was no point to try again or? Is it time to dust it off and breathe life back into it?

           

Some action steps should you choose:

1. What are your dreams? If you don't have any right now, it might be fun to start writing and create some! It gives you something to look forward to, a focus and direction.
2. Is it time to take them closer to reality by setting an intention and daily goals?
3. Enlist the support you need to keep the jellyfish away and reach the beach (if you read the article on Diana you know what I mean)!

 

Until next time, be good to yourself! You are your greatest asset!!!

Transitions

Albert Schweitzer once said, 'At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us'.
Thank you to those who emailed me after reading the last newsletter, your support really means a lot. Big thanks to my family, friends and mentor who have been there for me in such loving ways, rekindling the spark within.

One beautiful soul, Lisa, congratulated me on being back following my life's purpose, and that really reminded me of how far I had strayed. I so badly wanted my relationship to work that I stopped listening to my intuition, and tried to be who my partner wanted me to be rather than myself. I tried to live his values and dreams and forego mine. And in that process I numbed myself- I almost forgot who I was. I so badly wanted his approval and love that I neglected me. I was looking for love and approval from outside myself rather than within. Then, I started remembering who I am and hired a coach to help regain my power and life, live my purpose and feel again- having faith in the future, laughing, feeling more positive, training again- saying YES to life.
           
I feel all the emotions- sadness, remorse, shame- the emotions I used to try and eliminate from my life. Now I accept what I feel, acknowledge it and keep moving on. As Brene Brown said we can't selectively numb out feelings- when we numb out the 'bad' ones we also numb out the 'good'. I make sure to do something I enjoy each day -such as listening to music, singing, walking, talking to a loved one- to shift the energy a bit.
           
And I keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needs to be done. It is important for me right now to have a daily ritual. Each morning I write down my goals for the day, what the potential blocks may be and how to hurdle them, and at the end of the day I acknowledge my successes and what I am grateful for. I don't beat myself up if I forget something, I pat myself on the back for what I did do. This helps me to continue moving forward rather than being stuck in the muck, and each little step leads me further on my path.

Some steps to help you move forward are:

1. Be who you are- listen to your intuition and speak your truth!
2. Accept and acknowledge your feelings and move on
3. Start a daily ritual

Until next time, Be good to yourself! YOU are your greatest asset!

From Surviving to Thriving

For the past 3 years, I was in a toxic relationship, my self-esteem dropped and I didn't feel good about who I was or what I did. It took the support of a great mentor and some dear friends to get me feeling strong enough to leave. I now have, just moved to beautiful Victoria BC, and am starting a new chapter of my life. I thought others going through a challenging time could benefit from the tools I am using to get through the mucky part of just surviving and moving on to actually thriving in life once again. If you know of someone that could benefit, please forward this on.

The transition was difficult at first (and some days still are); I was grieving the loss of the relationship, the dreams we shared, the community I had grown to love, the lifestyle etc. Even though I knew it wasn't a healthy relationship and that I was better off leaving, I still was grieving. As Wm. Bridges said about Transitions, we are always going through transitions- beginnings, middles and endings, often experiencing all 3 parts at the same time. These were a lot of endings. I moved to Victoria (a beginning!), to an awesome location near the ocean, yet had no excitement at the prospects that lay before me. I was not hopeful. I was questioning whether the move was right, wondering what I was going to do, feeling depressed and hopeless. Then three things occurred at the same time that changed my outlook.

The first thing that happened was my favourite cousin came to help me get settled. As we talked, I shared with her my fears and worries. This was beneficial for two reasons:

1. by saying aloud (or writing down) our fears and concerns they dissipate. I was able to see there were other possibilities and it really wasn't as bad as I was thinking; and
2. for women under stress, talking to another person is extremely beneficial, releasing oxytocin into the body. (SE Taylor et al, UCLA study, 2000)

The next thing we did was a guided meditation each night. I had gotten away from meditating because of monkey mind about a month before my move, so her suggestion of listening to a guided meditation was perfect. I didn't have to think about anything, just listen, and it relaxed my body and mind. I stopped thinking of the past and future, and was focused on the present. We listened to it before bed, then had very peaceful sleeps.

The third thing I did was to get out and explore my neighborhood. I was surprised to find the ocean so close! Walking around the neighborhood, enjoying the flowers, trees, sky, ocean, birds, sand- heavenly! Wonderful food for the soul!! It was at that moment I knew I had finally arrived!!! I am feeling hopeful and looking forward once again!

Action Steps If you are going through a difficult time right now, here are some steps you could take to feel better:

 

1. Connect with someone you trust and share your deepest fears and concerns. If you haven't got someone to talk with immediately, write them down! This helps take them out of your head. (Also connect just to talk about other things and maybe have some fun!)
2. Start a guided meditation process. If you aren't a meditator, there are plenty of free guided meditations on the internet, just Google or YouTube guided meditation and listen.
3. Get out and enjoy nature! It doesn't have to be a hike in the forest or walk along the beach- enjoy the birds, sky, flowers, trees and people of your own neighbourhood.

Until next time, Be good to yourself! YOU are your greatest asset!

Well hello again!!!

I have started blogging on a site where I do online meetings, so thought I would share what I said here. The meeting was around asserting yourself, and here is the blog post.

What does assert yourself mean to you? Where in your life do you take a back seat, and at what cost? I would like you to take a moment and write that down.

Where do you say yes when you really mean no, then hold resentments or frustrations or guilt afterward? Are you so busy pleasing others you forget about what you want or who you really are?

If you say yes, what are you saying no to? Conversely, if you are saying no, what are you saying yes to?

I think everyone on this site has chosen a healthier lifestyle or they wouldn't be here. Have you found yourself making less than healthy choices because that is what your friends or family wanted? No more! Assert yourself- be the leader in this healthy lifestyle, and let those who choose to follow you do so, and those who don't, no worries- they just miss out on the fun. Stand up for who you are, and in doing so you will be taking your power back. When you're planning a get together, make it something fun and active, like going for a stroll in the park,maybe a game of tag, or flying a kite or whatever makes the child inside you laugh and giggle!!! Choose healthier places to eat, and eat healthier snacks. Create the life you want to live.

Asserting yourself is also asking for what you want! Asking for what you want sounds pretty simple, yes? Do you actually do it? How many times do you think others should know what you want, then get mad when your needs aren’t met? Unmet expectations are the cause of most conflicts.

For years I was upset that my husband seldom bought me flowers. I wished he was more romantic, that he would buy me flowers just because. And he never did. I resented him for that. Finally I told him I wanted him to bring me flowers because to me that showed he loved me. And guess what? He started bringing me flowers, just because!

What is it in your life you aren’t asking for? My challenge to you is to ask for what you want this week. No manipulating, whining or wishing things were different- ask for what you want! The worse that could happen likely is things will stay the same- the best is you will get what you want!

Another way of asserting ourselves is through setting boundaries. Boundaries are about being clear on what is important to you and again, asking for what you want. If you don’t want to listen to dirty jokes for instance, telling people not to share dirty jokes with you. If you don’t want junk food in the house, telling your partner that. Boundaries are a way to personal freedom. Boundaries are to keep us healthy, they show respect for who we are. It is about you respecting and honouring yourself, not about building walls around yourself. Boundaries are not rigid rules, you can change them as you grow or simply remove them.

I would like you now to take a moment to think of some boundaries you would like to set. Then write them down.

Now pick one, the easiest to begin with. The first thing to do is know what the boundary is, next is why you want to create it. Are you acting out of anger or revenge, or are you coming from a place of wanting to enhance your relationship by letting the other person know how you feel and how you want to be treated? If you are coming from anger or revenge, first clear the emotion before having the conversation. Ideas on how to clear that emotion? Talk to a friend, counsellor, coach, workout, run, write a letter and don’t mail it.

Next, find a support person who you can practise (role play) with beforehand, and commiserate with afterward. You are trying on a new behaviour, which will be unfamiliar and could be scary. You may not be that great at it to start with, and people may get upset with you because it’s a behaviour they haven’t seen before. Next, practise what you will say. Use non-abrasive language. Come from a place of talking to that person as you would have them talk to you- from a place of love, an honouring place. For example, “Joe, please lower your voice. It is not okay to yell at me, and if you continue, we will have to finish this conversation when you’re calmed down. If you lower your voice, I’m willing to discuss it now,” is much more honouring than “Joe, shut up! I can’t stand it when you yell at me! From now on I’m leaving when you start screaming!”

Next, set a date to have your conversation and do it!

Finally- Debrief with your support person.

The whole thing about boundaries is speaking your truth. You don’t have to make excuses or explain, just be true to yourself. Is it hard? In the beginning it may be, and gets easier with practice. The more you practise, the stronger you become and the easier it becomes. You grow stronger and more confident. You may disappoint or hurt some people because you will be changing some behaviours with them. But you are being true to yourself and honest and transparent with them about what is true for you. What type of communication do you want in your life, open and honest or closed and resentful?

So, what is that boundary you would like to set for yourself? Start off with a simple one!

Have fun asserting yourself and taking back your power!!! Cheers to a great week!!!!

Time goes by...

Hello out there!!!

I decided to review my website to see what needed updating, and noticed the "blog"- that tool that is supposed to work miracles at generating traffic- that tool that is a good idea that I haven't got the hang of yet! Did I take that course in January? No! Why not? Because I got caught up in the hype of the marketing, signed up and really wasn't ready for it. In fact I never got past that first post!

How often do you do that in life? Jump at things that sound great, without giving it too much thought? Thankfully I'm slowing down on this, that old habit of reacting rather than responding. I do know I follow through with those things that are really important to me. And some things are like this blog- I start, then stop, then continue when I think about it again, then stop, then continue and eventually they become habit (or not)! Reminds me of when I quit smoking! In 30 years of smoking how many times did I stop only to start again? Too many times to count. Different methods, different ways- cold turkey, the patch, hypnosis, positive affirmations, butt jars etc. Each time I quit I knew it would work- and I'd fail. Each time I started up again it became more difficult to try to quit, as I was tired of failure. I'd read the statistics that most people try to quit on average 8 times before it finally works, so I decided to give it one last attempt. That was 8 years ago, and I've been a non-smoker ever since. That gives me hope for blogging!!!

The difference is then I beat myself up each time I failed. This time I don't. I learned I can choose how I feel by changing my thoughts, rather than falling victim to those voices in my head. And I seldom have those berating voices, which makes for a more peaceful, joyful life. I am so blessed!!!

Instead of beating myself up, I look at what I could do differently and decide what to do next. In this case, it is to continue merrily on my way, experimenting with blogging as and when the urge arises. And I choose to be gentle with myself, it serves nobody for me to beat myself up. With all of the evidence showing that we truly are connected, and that peace starts within each of us, remainng calm and loving toward myself is a step I can take toward world peace! Dr. Bruce Lipton says our body is like the Universe. When we have harmony in our body, there will be harmony in our community, in our Earth, in our Universe.

Speaking of Peace- Lynn McTaggart is conducting a world wide Peace Intention Experiment starting Sept 14th. For further information or to sign up, go to www.theintentionexperiment.com/peace

With peace, love, laughter and delight,
Cheers to you!